DEMOCRATS STOP ASKING ABOUT COST OF WAR

Seven days have elapsed since a Democrat member of Congress has asked how much the war with Saddam Hussein will cost.

Republicans, pundits, and the press are all at a loss to explain why Democrats have apparently stopped objecting to the cost of liberating Iraq and protecting Americans against terrorism sponsored by Saddam Hussein.

Speaking off the record, a senior Republican congressional staffer noted that Democrats never ask about the cost of policies they support. “But that can’t explain their silence,” he added, “since most Democrats are on the record as opposing President Bush’s efforts to depose a brutal dictator and enhance America’s national security even though polls show that over 75% of Americans support the President. There must be something else going on here, but nobody I’ve talked to has a clue what it could be.”

“I can’t figure it out. Maybe Democrats think voters will figure out we could pay for the war, and a whole lot more, if Democrats hadn’t blocked drilling for oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve,” suggested Newt Gingrich (R-Georgia), former House Majority Leader and now Senior Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. “Maybe they’re worried that Americans will start asking why Democrats would rather have us buy oil from Saddam Hussein than produce it domestically.”

In response to a question at a White House press briefing, Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer said “we’re all at a loss to explain it. Our best guess, and this is just speculation, is that Democrats have realized that the war will be paid for with tax dollars, and that Republicans pay 90% of all taxes. Maybe they figure that a long and expensive war will cost taxpayers so much that they won’t be able to fund campaign contributions to Republicans in the next election cycle. But again, that’s just speculation.”

Former Senator Fred Thompson (R-Tennessee) offered the simplest theory, saying “I think they’re acting under orders from Barbra Streisand.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 7:20 AM

DEMOCRAT STRATEGY EXPOSED

Democrats reacted angrily today after a party strategy guide titled “How To Deal With The Truth” fell into the hands of Republicans and the press.

The strategy guide, according to its introduction, is “designed to help Democrat candidates and elected officials deal with use of the truth from opposition Republicans.” The guide is co-authored by former President Bill Clinton, Democrat party chairman Terry McAuliffe, and Democrat strategist James Carville. It has apparently been in widespread use by Democrats since the 1992 elections.

According to the guide, “the truth is the strongest weapon in the Republican arsenal, and Democrats need to be especially well-prepared to deal with it. If Democrats cannot effectively counter the truth, we will surely lose our status as a major political party.” The authors suggest Democrats employ a four-part strategy when confronted with the truth. The recommended strategy involves labeling the truth “a mean-spirited partisan attack,” demanding “an end to the politics of personal destruction,” calling for “tough new laws,” and questioning the opposition’s motives.

The guide offers several examples of how to use the strategy, including the following: “For example, when you get caught lying you can say ‘my opponent’s disclosure of my lies is a vicious mean-spirited personal attack. It is time we end the politics of personal destruction. We need tough new laws to prevent public officials from lying. My opponent is only accusing me of lying to cover up his own lies.’”

When questioned about the guide, Senate majority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “I’m saddened and disappointed that Republicans have resorted to this mean-spirited partisan attack. We need to end the politics of personal destruction right now. I will propose tomorrow a tough new law to punish politicians who distract the American people from the truth. Republicans have only brought up the Democrat strategy for dealing with the truth so they can deflect attention from their unfair use of the truth as a political weapon.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 8:15 PM

JESSE JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE

Jesse Jackson set a new personal record today, by not appearing on television or in a major newspaper for the 30th consecutive day.

The previous record for consecutive days without an appearance by Jackson on a major media outlet was 29 days. That record was set over 20 years, shortly after Jackson proclaimed himself a “Reverend” and began his very lucrative career as a race-baiter and extortionist.

“I am still here,” said Jackson, “and when the war news slows down, the American people will hear more about my ongoing efforts to get more head coaches in the National Football League and to let women join Augusta National Golf Club.”

According to an aide, Jackson was apparently confident last week that his announcement that he has not had plastic surgery on his face would provide him with a media platform, and was “crushed” when no major outlet picked up the story. In another desperate attempt for media attention, Jackson is also considering announcing that he has become a homosexual.

Informed sources say Jackson will announce tomorrow that he has offered his services as “spiritual advisor” to Asan Akbar, the Army Sergeant who is accused of killing two American servicemen and injuring a dozen others by rolling hand grenades into their tents in Iraq. Jackson last served as spiritual advisor to Bill Clinton during his sex, lies, and impeachment scandals, shortly after it was revealed that Jackson had fathered a child out of wedlock and filed fraudulent tax returns.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 7:24 PM

PELOSI SAYS REPUBLICANS “OUT OF TOUCH”

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) yesterday accused the Republican party of being “out of touch with the concerns of average Americans.”

In a speech to a mostly-empty House chamber, Pelosi charged that “the Republican party is dominated by fringe elements who push ‘wacky’ positions on main-stream issues.” She cited tax cuts, school choice, and the liberation of Iraq as examples.

“I’m saddened, concerned, and disappointed that Republicans have lost touch with ‘the American street’ and have abandoned the political mainstream,” added Pelosi.

In related news, the House of Representatives voted yesterday to condemn a federal appeals court’s ruling that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional because of its reference to God. The nonbinding resolution passed 400-7 with 15 members voting ‘present.’ The 7 who voted against the resolution were all Democrats: Robert Scott of Virginia, Jim McDermott of Washington, Pete Stark and Mike Honda of California, Jerrold Nadler and Gary Ackerman of New York, and Barney Frank of Massachusetts.

In other related news, only 11 House members voted against a resolution “expressing the support and appreciation of the nation for the president and the members of the armed forces who are participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom.” All 11 were Democrats: Robert Scott of Virginia, Jim McDermott of Washington, Pete Stark, Mike Honda, Maxine Waters, Barbara Lee, and Diane Watson of California, Charles Rangel and Edolphus Towns of New York, John Conyers of Michigan, and Tubbs Jones of Ohio.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com
posted by Unknown at 1:31 PM

HUSSEIN RENAMES HIS REPUBLICAN GUARD

In what may be one of his last official acts as ruler of Iraq, Saddam Hussein has renamed his Republican Guard. Acknowledged to be the most loyal and highly trained unit in the Iraqi armed forces, the Republican Guard has long been responsible for the personal safety of Hussein and his family.

In announcing his intention to change their name, the Butcher of Baghdad said “the swords of the holy sons of Iraq will stain the sky and earth and water with the blood of the jackal Bush and his minions. As we advance to our glorious victory we honor our truest friends by giving their name to our strongest weapon against the imperialist forces of America. Henceforth the Republican Guard will be known as the French Democrat Guard.”

Hussein also announced that he would rename the Special Republican Guard. This fiercest and most bloodthirsty unit of the Guard has often used by Hussein to torture and kill family members of his closest associates. Hussein said they would now be called the Daschle Democrat Guard.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 6:32 AM

DEMOCRATS REACT TO IRAQ’S USE OF SCUD MISSILES

Minutes after Saddam Hussein fired Scud missiles at U.S. troops, Senators Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) and Robert Byrd (D-West Virginia) blamed President Bush for Iraq’s use of weapons it wasn’t supposed to have and said it didn’t have. Daschle and Byrd have staked out positions as the Democrat party’s strongest opponents to liberating the Iraqi people from the savage butchery of Saddam Hussein.

The Iraqi Scud missiles were fired toward U.S. Marine units positioned in Kuwait. Iraq was forbidden, under the terms of several United Nations resolutions, from possessing Scud missiles and it has repeatedly denied possessing them.

Byrd, the Senate’s oldest former Ku Klux Klan member, said “Mr. Hussein wouldn’t have fired those weapons if we hadn’t attacked him. We wouldn’t have known he had them if he hadn’t fired them. And we shouldn’t have attacked him until we knew he had them. I weep when I think this is all America’s fault.”

Daschle said he was “saddened and disappointed” that President Bush didn’t let the U.N. inspection process go on longer. “If we’d allowed the inspectors a little more time, I’m sure they would have found evidence that Saddam Hussein had destroyed the Scud missiles he said he didn’t have. Instead, President Bush’s arrogant unilateralist foreign policy caused him to use those missiles. I’m sure Mr. Hussein wouldn’t have fired those missiles if France was with us.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com
posted by Unknown at 9:58 AM

CARVILLE SAYS FOCUS ON BIGGEST THREATS TO AMERICA

In a confidential strategy memo, Democrat consultant James Carville has advised Democrat Congressional leaders and Presidential candidates to “focus on the biggest threats to America while President Bush is focused on Iraq.”

“We have an unprecedented opportunity to advance our domestic agenda while the President’s attention is overseas,” said Carville. “Let’s not blow it.”

The Carville memo, obtained from a confidential source, says, “While President Bush is busy trying to disarm a foreign government, Democrats should continue their efforts to disarm American citizens by pushing for more gun control laws. While President Bush is trying to give Iraqi citizens the right to choose their government, we should continue trying to deny American citizens the right to choose their children’s schools.”

Democrats need not worry about pushing their domestic agenda while American troops are engaged abroad, according to Carville. In fact, his memo states, Democrats should feel free to follow the lead of Senator Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) and attack President Bush during war time. “Democrats can and should continue to oppose the war while pushing our domestic agenda,” advised Carville. “While we protest President Bush’s effort to kill Saddam Hussein, we should continue our efforts to kill unborn babies.”

Also included in Carville’s list of “the biggest threats to America” are lower tax rates, cheap Alaska oil, and missile defense systems.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 1:15 PM

DASCHLE DEMANDS DISARMAMENT

A day after he criticized President Bush’s diplomatic efforts, Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) introduced a disarmament resolution in the United States Senate.

“We need disarmament, not war,” said Daschle. “There is only one reason we are on the brink of war. The United States is about to wage war on Iraq because the administration couldn’t create an international coalition to wage war on Iraq.”

The Daschle resolution, titled “United Senate Resolution 1441,” calls for “serious consequences” if President Bush doesn’t “immediately disarm the armed forces of the United States.” It calls for a team of United Nations inspectors to verify disarmament. Any “material breach” would be met by “serious consequences.”

When asked what “serious consequences” might entail, Daschle said, “we don’t want to tip our hand, but you I can assure you that our consequences will be really serious. I’ll be convening a broad-based bipartisan international coalition to work out a time-table and the details of an inspection regime. And to show how serious we are, we’ve asked our friends in France for their assistance.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com


posted by Unknown at 3:21 PM

DEMOCRATS PUSH “AMERICANS WITH INABILITIES ACT”

Flushed with the success of the Americans With Disabilities Act, congressional Democrats have introduced legislation they call the Americans With Inabilities Act.

The law would prohibit discrimination in employment, housing, education, and access to government benefits based on inability. In announcing the legislation, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California), said “Americans with inabilities face countless obstacles every day in every facet of life. Those with the inability to stop overeating, for example, are not only ostracized because of their physical appearance, but face job discrimination and suffer an unfair number of health problems.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York), a co-sponsor of the bill, declared, “Americans with inabilities need the full protection of the law. It’s not fair, for example, that high-paying engineering jobs are denied to people who have an inability to understand sophisticated scientific concepts. The Americans With Inabilities Act will guarantee the mathematically inabled among us fair access to career paths that have been beyond their reach.”

“People with an inability to balance their checkbooks pay an unfair share of bank overcharge fees in America,” charged Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri). “Those who are unlucky enough to have an inability to read and write are denied access to elite colleges and universities. It’s time to stop punishing inabled Americans.”

Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said, “I’m disappointed with the Bush administration’s response to the Americans With Inabilities Act. Their insistence that people with an inability to stay sober be disqualified from jobs as truck drivers and airline pilots is mean-spirited petty partisan politics. That’s not what the American people want.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com
posted by Unknown at 8:50 AM

DASCHLE ANNOUNCES “HOMELAND DISAPPOINTMENT ADVISORY SYSTEM”

Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) today announced a new system to make it easier for Americans to monitor and respond to changes in his level of disappointment.

Modeled after the Homeland Security Advisory System, the new Homeland Disappointment Advisory System is designed to alert Americans to the level of Daschle’s level of disappointment and to suggest protective measures appropriate to each level.

Daschle’s disappointment level will both be measured several times daily. Results will be announced each morning at approximately 8:00 Eastern Standard Time, and will be updated every hour. Significant changes in Daschle’s disappointment level will be announced immediately.

In announcing the new system, Daschle said “the world has changed since the congressional elections of 2002. We remain a nation at risk to serious attacks of disappointment and will remain at risk for the foreseeable future. At all Disappointment Conditions, we must remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to respond to attacks of disappointment.”

The Homeland Disappointment Advisory System features five color-coded Disappointment Conditions, ranging from Low (Green) to Severe (Red). In response to a question about his current level of disappointment, Daschle said, “my disappointment level today is Yellow, which is an Elevated Condition.”

Under the new system, several Protective Measures are appropriate for the Yellow level, in addition to the Protective Measures taken under the Green and Blue levels, including increasing surveillance of critical locations, coordinating emergency plans with nearby jurisdictions, assessing whether the precise characteristics of the threat require the further refinement of preplanned Protective Measures, and implementing contingency and emergency response plans.

A spokesperson for Daschle noted that the system is still being refined, saying that “in times like these, knowing that Senator Daschle is disappointed is not enough. We are working on a system that helps predict disappointment attacks before they happen so government officials can react more quickly and effectively to protect the American people.”

Also under development, according to the spokesperson, is a system for monitoring and responding to changes in Daschle’s level of concern.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 8:16 AM

DEMOCRATS REJECT CHANCE TO QUESTION ESTRADA

Democrat leaders in the Senate have rejected another Republican attempt to clear the logjam over the nomination of Miguel Estrada to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals.

Senate majority leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee) offered to have Mr. Estrada make yet another appearance before the Judiciary Committee to face questioning by minority members. Democrats have complained that Estrada has refused to answer their questions. In exchange for the new hearing, Frist asked for a commitment to allow an up-or-down vote on the Estrada nomination.

“We’re too busy complaining that Estrada won’t answer our questions to ask him questions,” claimed Senator Charles Schumer (D-New York). “We need to devote our attention to stopping President Bush’s rush to war with Iraq, not on something so unimportant as a Circuit Court judge.”

Senator Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), ranking minority member on the Judiciary Committee, echoed Schumer’s statement, saying “we don’t have time to find out what Mr. Estrada’s views are. Complaining that he won’t tell us his views is taking all the time we can afford to devote to his nomination.”

In a 3:30 a.m. gutter-side interview outside a D.C. watering hole, Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) defended Democrat efforts to avoid learning about Estrada’s views, mumbling “this isn’t about what he believes, it’s about denying President Bush his constitutional power to select judges Democrats don’t like.”

Tom Daschle, Senate minority leader, said “I’m disappointed, and I’m concerned. I’m disappointed that the Republicans are trying to foist Mr. Estrada’s views on us in a petty display of blatant partisan politics. I’m concerned that Republicans are trying set a damaging precedent by using committee hearings to give judicial nominees a nationwide forum for spreading their views. That’s not what the American people want.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 9:57 AM

DEMOCRATS UNITE IN SHOW OF SUPPORT FOR FRENCH

A day after cafeteria menus in three House office buildings changed the name of “french fries” to “freedom fries” and “french toast” to “freedom toast,” Democrat members of Congress united in a strong show of support for France.

Democrats have pledged that, beginning today, they will never again order a “hot dog” for lunch. They’ll ask for a “frank” instead.

“If not for the extraordinary bravery of the French people, America would already be embroiled in an awful war in Iraq,” said House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “This is the best way Democrats know to thank our friends in France for their remarkable courage in resisting President Bush’s rush to war.”

“By pledging to veto a United Nations resolution authorizing force to oust Saddam Hussein, the French people have once again shown their true character,” said Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts). “To reward them for their spectacular fortitude in the face of the Bush war steamroller, I’ll be having 14 franks for lunch today.”

In related news, a new CBS/Gallup poll shows that the American people trust Republicans more than Democrats to handle foreign affairs. When asked which party they trust most “to deal with threats from abroad” 86% preferred Republicans, 11% were undecided, and 3% preferred Democrats. The poll’s margin of error was plus-or-minus 3%.

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 9:10 AM

DEMOCRATS DEMAND END TO OBSTRUCTION IN SENATE

Senate Democrats took to the airwaves yesterday in a coordinated call for “an end to efforts to obstruct the business of the United States Senate.” In a well-orchestrated public-relations blitz, Democrats denounced the Bush White House for causing the Senate to “grind to a halt.”

“The White House is to blame for obstruction in the Senate,” charged Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California). “The President’s stubborn support for a judicial nominee that a minority of Senators has pledged to defeat by any means necessary makes it impossible for us to work together in a bipartisan way.”

Joe Biden (D-Delaware) echoed the Democrat talking points, saying “the President’s petty partisan support for a popular judicial nominee targeted for defeat by a recalcitrant minority is obstructing Senate business and destroying any chance of bipartisan progress on other important issues.”

“This President is obstructing Senate business by standing up to Democrat attempts to hijack the federal judiciary for partisan purposes,” said Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts). “By continuing to support a well-qualified nominee that has the support of a majority of the Senate, he is poisoning the well and obstructing the spirit of bipartisan cooperation so cherished by Democrat Senators.”

Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said, “I’m disappointed and I’m concerned. I’m disappointed that the President insists on obstructing Senate Business by resisting our attempt to take away his constitutional power to appoint members of the federal judiciary. I’m concerned that his refusal to knuckle under to our unprecedented petty partisan efforts to block judicial nominations will make it impossible for Democrats and Republicans to work together in a spirit of bipartisan cooperation.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 5:44 AM

BUSH SUPPORT OF ESTRADA DRAWS ANGRY DEMOCRAT RESPONSE

President Bush’s pledge to continue pushing his nomination of Miguel Estrada to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals drew angry response from Democrats today, as did a White House report attacking Democrat opposition as “irrational.”

According to the White House report:

- Democrats claim Estrada is not qualified, despite the fact that he graduated summa cum laude from Columbia University and Harvard Law School, edited the Harvard Law Review, clerked for U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy, served as an assistant solicitor general in the Bush and Clinton administrations, argued 15 cases in front of the Supreme Court, and compiled a distinguished record as an attorney in private practice. He has also received a unanimous “well qualified” ranking from the American Bar Association, the organization’s highest possible evaluation.

- Democrats claim Estrada lacks judicial experience, but the same is true of 15 of the 18 people nominated to the D.C. court since President Carter, 5 of the D.C. court’s current members, and all 26 of President Clinton’s circuit judge nominees (all of whom were confirmed). In addition, 43 of the 108 Justices who have served on the United States Supreme Court, and 8 of the 18 Chief Justices, had no prior judicial experience when they were nominated.

- Democrats have attacked Estrada for not answering their questions, despite the fact that he answered over 100 questions in his unusually long 6-hour confirmation hearing. Also, no Democrat has responded to the White House’s invitation to ask Estrada questions or meet with him since Democrats announced their opposition to his appointment.

- Democrats have demanded Estrada release confidential working papers he wrote while working in the solicitor general’s office in the Department of Justice, despite in the past voting to confirm 67 previous Department of Justice employees without ever making a similar demand. Also, the three Democrat officials Estrada served under in the Justice Department oppose the release of those materials.

- Democrats have demanded Estrada tell them how he would decide specific cases, despite their long-held position that judicial nominees not be allowed to answer such questions.

- Democrats have attacked Estrada for failing to name any Supreme Court case in the last 40 years that he would disagree with, despite the fact that answering that question would violate the American Bar Association’s Code of Judicial Conduct.

- Democrats have launched a filibuster against Estrada, despite on-the-record statements by every Democrat on the Senate Judiciary Committee opposing the use of filibusters against judicial nominees.

- Democrats claim that Estrada is a “stealth nominee” whose views on important issues are still unknown despite their best efforts to drag them out, while at the same time claiming that his views are too extreme for a member of the circuit court.

In response to the White House report, Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), the ranking minority member on the Senate Judiciary Committee said, “the President came to Washington promising to set a new tone and work together with Democrats. That will never happen as long as he insists on falling back on such outdated concepts as the truth whenever it suits his purposes.”

The White House report concluded with a statement that the Democrats had “no rational basis” for their opposition to Estrada. Robert Byrd (D-West Virginia), the Senate’s oldest member, reacted angrily to the charge saying “Estrada doesn’t have what it takes to fill a high position of public trust. I enjoyed his work on CHiPs, but that hardly qualifies him for a seat on the second-highest court in the land.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 8:16 AM

DEM PRESIDENT HOPEFULS STAKE OUT NEW FOREIGN POLICY POSITIONS

In a joint appearance on the MSNBC cable television network, candidates for the Democrat party’s Presidential nomination drew raucous applause from a crowd of college students for their views on foreign policy. Chris Matthews, who invited the candidates to appear on the latest edition of his “Hardball College Tour” series, called the candidates’ positions “hard-hitting common-sense approaches that Americans can take to the bank.”

Hundreds of students at the University of California at Berkeley attended the show, shouted questions at the candidates, and rewarded all the answers with tremendous ovations. Berkeley is generally considered to have the most liberal student body in the United States.

The crowd rose from their seats and cheered wildly in response to former House minority leader Richard Gephardt’s (D-Missouri) answer to a question from a student on how he would handle Iraq and North Korea. Gephardt said “the Bush policy on Iraq is too hard. The Bush policy on North Korea is too soft. The Gephardt policy will be just right.”

Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) also got a standing ovation when he said “if elected, I will immediately end the rush to war with Iraq. We’ve been rushing to war with Iraq for over 18 months now. No rush to war has ever lasted this long. Now that we’ve broken the record for the longest rush to war ever, it’s time to put an end to our rush to war.” Kerry is viewed as the Democrat party’s most responsible voice on foreign affairs, and Mr. Matthews called his remark “his strongest statement yet.”

An audience member asked Senator Joseph Lieberman what he would do about United Nations resolution 1441, which threatened Iraq with “serious consequences” if it didn’t disarm. Lieberman said he would call for “a newer, stronger, and tougher U.N. resolution that would threaten really, really, really serious consequences.”

In his most notable statement of the evening, Al Sharpton (D-New York) said “Saddam Hussein has not taken his last chance to disarm. We need another U.N. resolution to give him one more final last chance. That will show him exactly how serious we are.”

Former Senator Carol Moseley-Braun’s response to Sharpton’s suggestion appeared to up the ante in their upcoming battle for the African-American vote in the Democrat presidential primaries. She recommended “two more U.N. resolutions, calling for two more final last chances, so Hussein will know that we really, really mean it.”

Asked by an audience member why the remaining Democrat candidates hadn’t appeared on the show, Matthews said “we may have forgotten to invite some of them. It’s hard to keep track of all these guys. Besides, I don’t think we’d have enough chairs for everybody.”

In his concluding remarks, Mr. Matthews thanked the candidates for “exposing the depth and breadth of the Democrat party’s thinking on crucial matters of foreign policy.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 9:07 AM

LIEBERMAN CALLS FOR ELIMINATION OF ELECTORAL COLLEGE

Presidential aspirant Joseph Lieberman (D-Connecticut) today called for elimination of the Electoral College. At a press conference at Disney World in Florida, Lieberman said his proposal would substitute a direct popular vote for President and Vice President and would be retroactive to November 1, 1999.

“As our nation moved forward into the 21st century, we needed a fairer and simpler way to elect our nation’s highest leaders,” said Lieberman. “Besides, I know in my heart that I don’t have a realistic chance to be elected president in the future. My best chance to gain that high office lies in the past, with my election as Vice President.”

Al Gore (D-Tennessee), who chose Lieberman as his running mate in the 2000 election, greeted the Lieberman proposal with great anticipation, saying “I’ve had over two years to gather advice about who should join my administration, and I’ve used it well to assemble a real ‘dream team’ of supremely well-qualified Americans.”

Gore said his foreign policy team would be led by singer/actress Barbra Streisand as Secretary of Defense, singer Harry Belafonte as Secretary of State, comedienne Janeane Garafolo as ambassador to the United Nations, and actor Alec Baldwin as National Security Advisor. The Gore/Lieberman domestic team will include O. J. Simpson as Attorney General, movie director Oliver Stone as director of the CIA, NEA president Reg Weaver as Secretary of Education, California Governor Gray Davis as Secretary of Energy, and convicted former Congressman Dan Rostenkowski as Postmaster General. Gore said he would appoint fugitive financier Marc Rich as Federal Reserve chairman upon the expiration of Alan Greenspan’s current term.

Former President Bill Clinton would head up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives in a Gore administration. This would mark the first time ever a former President accepted a sub-cabinet position in a subsequent administration. Clinton explained his willingness to accept such a position, saying the job offered “booze, smokes, guns, and bombs.” “Heck,” he added, “this’ll be more fun than being President ever was.”

Gore also said his leading candidates for openings on the Supreme Court are former New Jersey Senator Robert Torricelli and movie director Rob Reiner. Gore’s biggest surprise was his decision to keep Norman Mineta in his current job as Secretary of Transportation. “I think Norm’s been doing a fabulous job,” declared Gore.

Lieberman’s bill abolishing the Electoral College would also declare the San Francisco Giants the winners of last year’s World Series. Lieberman said “The Giants scored more runs than the California Angels did over the course of seven games. Then the baseball authorities declared the Angels the winners by a 4-to-3 margin, just like the Supreme Court awarded George Bush the 2000 election on a 5-to-4 vote. My bill will erase both injustices.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com


posted by Unknown at 6:30 AM

DEMOCRATS PUSH NEW PENALTIES FOR ACCOUNTING FRAUD

A bill introduced by Democrats into both houses of Congress would impose tough new penalties on misleading or deceitful business accounting practices. Hillary Clinton (D-New York) sponsored the bill in the Senate, while Maxine Waters (D-California) led the charge in the House of Representatives. Clinton and Waters are acknowledged to be the Democrat party’s leading experts on accounting fraud.

“It’s high time we make it clear that the federal government will not allow business to get away with accounting fraud,” said Senator Clinton in a speech on the Senate floor. The Clinton-Waters bill, which they call “The Unfair Use of Government Accounting by Business Act,” forbids private and public businesses from using “all misleading and/or deceitful accounting practices currently used by the federal government.”

The bill would also ban use by businesses of “all misleading and/or deceitful accounting practices used by the federal government at any time in the past but not currently used by the federal government,” and “all misleading and/or deceitful accounting practices introduced by the federal government at any time in the future.” Congresswoman Waters explained that “businesses must be held to a higher standard than government, yesterday, today, and forever.”

Penalties for business use of government accounting tricks will be harsh under the new bill, with each offense punishable by fines of $1,000,000 for each fiscal quarter each government accounting trick was in use. Fines will be payable to a new Democrat Congressional Re-Election Fund.

Under a controversial provision of the bill, the government accounting tricks that businesses would be barred from using are not listed. Instead, the list of government accounting tricks is to be kept secret. According to Clinton, “releasing the list would be like publishing instructions on how to manufacture nuclear or biological weapons of mass destruction.” Keeping the list secret, added Waters, would help “preserve prosecutorial flexibility” and “prevent government accounting transparency.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com
posted by Unknown at 7:11 AM

NEW “LEARNING” UNIVERSITY CONDEMNED BY DEMOCRATS

A new university “focused on learning” will not open its doors until this fall, but it is already the target of widespread and hostile criticism from Democrats and teachers unions.

Education University is under construction near the geographic center of the 48 contiguous United States, about 4 miles west of Lebanon, Kansas. It will feature a “knowledge-based” curriculum, a “merit-based” admissions policy, and will accept no government funding. Democrats and teachers union officials call Education University “a threat to undermine our agenda for the future of education in America.”

Critics have been unanimous in their objections to Education University’s “knowledge-based” curriculum. Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts), the Democrat party’s prime voice on education matters, denounced it angrily, saying “the complete absence of classes in women’s studies, minority studies, gay/lesbian studies, political science, and education will give graduates an unfair advantage over students from other schools when they enter the job market.” He demanded that Education University modify its curriculum to require each student to take at least one “diversity-based” course every semester.

Congressman Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri) charged that “the hidden agenda of Education University is to expand the richest 1% among us by helping students acquire an unfair amount of knowledge,” and called for “knowledge quotas” to ensure that “no student learns more than his or her fair share.”

Education University’s “merit-based” admissions policy has also been the subject of fierce attacks. The school’s first class will number 500 students, and the much sought-after slots in that class will be offered to applicants who have tested highest on the Scholastic Aptitude Test. Senator Joseph Lieberman said “this un-American admissions scheme will free students from in-class distractions from less qualified students, letting our nation’s brightest students learn at an accelerated pace.” He charged that this will "leave the school’s graduates woefully unprepared to vote for the Democrat politicians this country needs to punish hard-working Americans.”

Jesse Jackson whined about the university’s “unfair admission practices” and said he “will not abandon the Democrat party’s commitment to use affirmative action to send dumb kids to compete with smart kids at the hardest schools.”

The National Education Association, the nation’s largest teachers union, joined Democrat politicians in their attack on Education University. NEA president Reg Weaver said it could “strike a fatal blow at teachers unions and our domination of education in America.” He said “teachers unions in America have worked hard for generations to increase our job security. By graduating students with minimal knowledge and job skills we supply a steady stream of new Democrat voters. Education University, with its emphasis on acquiring knowledge and skills, is part of a vast-right wing conspiracy to undermine that plan.”

Senator Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “I’m very concerned, and I’m very disappointed. I’m concerned about the radical element in America that is obsessed with the acquisition of knowledge. I’m disappointed with their mean-spirited partisan plot to hijack our nation’s schools and turn them into places where children learn things. That’s not what the American people want.”

A spokesman for Education University shrugged off the criticism and predicted the school would be a big success, saying “we think we’ve identified an untapped market niche. In fact we’ve already begun planning a nation-wide string of Education High Schools.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com
posted by Unknown at 7:20 AM

KENNEDY UNVEILS NEW STUDY ON BREAST IMPLANT RISK

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) has unveiled a new scientific study on the risks associated with female breast implant surgery.

The “Longitudinal and Latitudinal Breast Implant Examination Study” was conducted during the 3-year period ending December 31, 2002. Over 10,000 women who had undergone breast implant surgery participated in the study. Participants came from several countries around the world, and their ages ranged from 18 through 27.

The main finding unveiled by the study is a “strong statistically-significant negative correlation between autoimmune deficiency risk profiles and breast implant volume characteristics.” Senator Kennedy explained that “in layman’s terms, only small implants are risky, and you can get rid of the risk by replacing small breast implants with big ones.”

The study involved "interviews" by Senator Kennedy of over 10,000 women who received breast implant surgery since December 31, 1999. Senator Christopher Dodd (D-Connecticut) provided scientific peer review. The study was conducted using funds provided by the Kennedy Family Foundation. According to its sponsors, the “hands-on” research techniques used in the study produced results that are “uniquely reliable.” They urged women across America to “follow the study’s recommendations without undue delay.”

Kennedy and Dodd said they would introduce legislation requiring breast implant manufacturers to pay for “breast implant replacement surgery” for all breast implant recipients in the United States aged 18 through 35. Under the bill, manufacturers would also be required to fund a repeat of the Longitudinal and Latitudinal Breast Implant Examination Study. According to Kennedy, the “follow-up visits” under the study would “verify compliance with new recommended breast implant volume characteristics, assess new autoimmune deficiency risk profiles, and facilitate new recommendations for further reduction of risk.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 6:47 AM

KERRY CALLS FOR IRAQI SMOKING GUN RESOLUTIONS

Hours after the Bush Administration provided evidence of a “smoking gun” in Iraq, Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) demanded “tough new action.”

The Democrat hopeful for President, considered by most to be his party’s strongest voice on foreign affairs issues, called for a “three-step multilateral” approach.

Speaking at a campaign stop in New Hampshire, Kerry said “the President should immediately start efforts to form a broad-based international coalition that will call for a United Nations resolution banning smoking by guns in Iraq. Second-hand smoke from smoking guns is a serious health threat to the Iraqi people.”

“I also call on France to form another broad-based international coalition to introduce another U.N. resolution, which would ask the Iraqi parliament to pass legislation banning smoking by guns in Iraq.” The “no-smoke zone” recommended by Kerry would cover all of Iraq between the northern “no-fly zone” and the southern “no-fly zone” established by previous U.N. resolutions.

"Finally, I call on Cuba, Libya, and Germany to lead another broad-based international coalition that will introduce a final U.N. resolution to send new inspection teams into Iraq. These inspectors would search for evidence of smoking by guns in Iraq, and report their findings to the U.N. Security Council no later than April 30, 2006.” Kerry added that the inspection resolution should include “tough language” to make it clear to Saddam Hussein that “this is his last chance to stop smoking by guns in Iraq.”

--------------------

To subscribe/unsubscribe, email us at undisreport@hotmail.com

posted by Unknown at 7:01 AM