SHARPTON AND JACKSON DEMAND LONGER BLACK HISTORY MONTH

As Black History month drew to a close, Reverend Al Sharpton (D-New York) and Reverend Jesse Jackson (D-Illinois) made angry demands for a longer Black History Month.

Sharpton and Jackson have long been bitter rivals. They agreed for a temporary cease-fire in their battle for recognition as America’s Greatest Self-Appointed Reverend to raise awareness of the “gross unfairness of Black History Month.”

Speaking at a gathering of five unemployed welfare recipients, three homeless people, and fifty television cameras, Sharpton whined that “holding Black History Month in the shortest month of the year is part of a vast racist conspiracy to hide black history. We need, and we deserve, and we demand a longer month. Twenty-eight days of black history a year is not enough.”

Jackson added “Only twenty-eight? It’s all about hate. Let’s set it straight. We need more dates.”

When reminded that February has twenty-nine days every fourth year, Jackson said it was "just another example of our racist society beating us down. No other group has to face that kind of constant changing of the number of days in the month celebrating their history.” Asked for examples of other groups with official History Months, Jackson was unable to give any.

Sharpton added "How many days in black history month next year? Twenty-eight? Twenty-nine? It’s not enough. When I am President I will make sure February has thirty days. And February will have thirty days every year, not just every once in a while."

In related news, Democrat members of the Congressional Spanish Caucus today issued a statement saying that “Hispanics deserve a Hispanic History Month. Since Hispanics are now the largest minority group in the United States, we want one of the months with 31 days. Black History Month should be thirty days long or less, and should fall in February, September, April, June, or November.”

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posted by Unknown at 6:19 AM

DEMS BASH BUSH PLANS FOR MEDICARE AND MEDICAID

Democrats have stepped up the rhetoric in their opposition to plans by President Bush to transform the Medicare and Medicaid programs.

According to the New York Times, the President’s vision “moves away from the notion that everyone should be in the same government-managed system with the same benefits” and “promises individuals more choice, including the option of picking a private health plan.” In a direct attack on that notion, presidential candidate Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri) said “the American people don’t need choice. They’re too stupid to choose among the myriad of confusing choices in health care, and that’s why they need Democrats to make those choices for them.”

Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) described the President’s plan as “a retreat from the federal government’s commitment to provide unlimited health care to non-working Americans no matter what it costs hard-working Americans and future generations of hard-working Americans.” He added that “Medicare and Medicaid are two of the most successful programs ever enacted for generating votes for Democrat politicians.”

Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “I’m very concerned. And I’m disappointed in President Bush’s proposal to give the American people more control over their health care decisions. That’s not what the American people want. The American people want politicians in Washington to make their health care decisions for them. They know that we know best. The American people want us to move on, and leave the President’s petty partisan politics behind.”

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posted by Unknown at 7:13 AM

DEMS SAY ENDING DOUBLE-TAXATION OF DIVIDENDS IS UNFAIR

Democrat leaders in Congress today called for President Bush to end his call for ending double-taxation of corporate dividends. They called President Bush’s plan “doubly unfair.”

Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “we have taxed corporate dividends twice at the federal level as long as any of us can remember, and Democrats in Congress have come to rely on the revenue this has raised. It’s unfair to deny us that important source of revenue.” He added that “Democrat visions for ever larger spending plans are imperiled by the President’s mean-spirited partisan plan to reduce taxes on hard-working Americans.”

“It’s cruel and unusual punishment for the American people to ask Democrats in Congress to tighten our belts,” charged House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California). “These are tough times on Congressional Democrats. We’re fighting a popular President. We’re trying to stop his plan to prevent a reckless and insanely cruel dictator from acquiring the nuclear weapons he avidly seeks and which would make him invulnerable. We’re resisting popular plans to protect America from terrorism and nuclear missiles, trying to dodge votes on federal judges, and struggling to keep American children stuck in failing public schools. To top it off, now we’re being asked to show spending restraint. It’s petty, mean-spiritied, partisan politics to take away a key source of Congressional revenue at a time like this.”

Daschle also questioned the timing of the President’s call for eliminating a major inequity in the federal tax code. “He purposely waited until a dozen Congressional Democrats decided to run for President, knowing that those of us left here in town would have to try to obstruct his agenda with our benches depleted. I’m very concerned, and I’m very disappointed, in his petty partisan politics.”

Pelosi accused the President of “pandering” to the estimated 90 million American tax-payers who receive corporate dividends. “It’s doubly unfair to Democrats for him to push a plan that will appeal to so many Americans.”

Pelosi and Daschle said they would both sponsor bills doubling the tax rate on corporate dividends.

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posted by Unknown at 9:23 AM

KENNEDY WANTS NEW LAWS TO CRACK DOWN ON MURDER

Senator Ted Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) yesterday introduced four new bills designed to punish use of firearms while committing murder. The legislation is in response to the recent shooting spree in which John Malvo and John Muhammad are alleged to have killed fourteen people in six states and the District of Columbia.

During an informal press conference outside an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet in Georgetown, Kennedy explained the motivation behind the four new bills. “The alleged killers broke 58 federal and state laws during their murderous rampage. Those 58 laws were obviously not enough to deter these horrible acts which terrorized our nation. Our experts have assured us that 62 laws would have been enough.”

Kennedy explained that the four new bills are part of the Democrat party’s “Make Crime More Illegal” initiative which, he said, is designed to show that Democrats are “tougher on crime than Republicans.”

A spokesman for the Massachusetts Senator invited reporters to another press conference tomorrow outside an all-you-can-eat ribs joint near Capitol Hill. At that time, the aide said, Kennedy will call for amending the United States Constitution to ban capital punishment.

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posted by Unknown at 5:32 AM

RANGEL DRAFT BILL GOES DOWN IN FLAMES

Congressman Charles Rangel (D-New York) today withdrew his bill calling for mandatory universal military service after Republicans were successful in attaching several amendments. Rangel said the amendments “make a mockery out of my attempt to weaken America’s military by forcing it to accept millions of unwilling conscripts it doesn’t want, doesn’t need, and can’t handle.”

The first amendment, passed on a party-line vote, was presented by House Majority Leader Tom DeLay (R-Texas). It called for mandatory attendance in public schools by children of members of Congress. Arguing for his amendment, DeLay explained that “my good friend Mr. Rangel’s argument that Congress will be less likely to rush to war if they have to worry about their children serving in the military makes a certain kind of sense. I also expect that members of Congress will be less likely to continue wrecking our schools if they have to worry about their children attending those schools.”

That got the ball rolling. Other amendments presented by Republicans, which also passed on rapid-fire party-line votes, called for mandatory participation by members of Congress in the Social Security System, mandatory attendance at work by members of Congress in order to collect pay checks, and mandatory monetary fines for failing to comply with Congressional rules that require Congress to pass a budget each year before it adjourns.

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) expressed outrage at the tactics employed by Republicans to defeat the Rangel bill. “Keeping our country’s fighting forces strong by threatening to treat members of Congress the same as other Americans is despicable, mean-spirited, partisan politics. In the next election, the Democrat party will deliver our message loud and clear, and we will make sure the American people know we stand for special treatment for members of Congress and their families.”

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posted by Unknown at 7:18 AM

DEMOCRATS UNVEIL PLANS TO REVAMP “LIFE’S LOTTERY”

After years of complaining about the “unfairness of life’s lottery,” Democrats unveiled today a plan to revamp it. House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) will introduce legislation today for what they call “Life’s New and Improved Lottery.”

During a press conference at a convenience store near Capitol Hill, Pelosi said Democrats are “sick and tired of complaining how unfair life’s lottery is, and spending all our time trying to reverse its effects. We decided it would be easier to just run our own.”

Under the plan, a drawing will be held every morning at 9:00 Eastern time. Unlike most lotteries, “Life’s New and Improved Lottery” will feature both winners and losers, not only rewarding prizes but extracting assets from some unlucky ticket holders. Participation in the lottery will be mandatory for all Americans. An individual’s odds of winning will be based not the number of tickets purchased, but instead on a complex formula that takes into account skin color, sexual orientation, religion, place of birth, and other “important factors to be named later.” Tickets will be priced at $1 apiece, with discounted and free tickets available for lower-income Americans. People defined as “rich” will be required to buy tickets but will be ineligible to win prizes.

About 25% of the funds raised by the lottery will be used to pay prizes, with the remainder going to the Federal Treasury. Prizes will be taxable, and each ticket will contain a printed warning that “prizes may be taken away in subsequent drawings.”

Senator Clinton said “Democrats know best how the wealth produced by hard-working Americans should be distributed. With our new and improved life’s lottery, Democrats can finally make sure people live their lives the way we think they should.”

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posted by Unknown at 8:10 AM

PRO-ABORTION GROUP OPPOSES “PARTIAL-BIRTH ABORTION”

NARAL Pro-Choice America, the nation’s largest abortion advocacy group, has announced its opposition to the use of “partial-birth abortion.” Effective immediately, the group instead will use “partial-birth choice” to describe the controversial procedure used to kill unborn babies.

NARAL Pro-Choice America is the recently-adopted name for the organization formerly known as the National Abortion Rights Action League. Kate Michelman, the group’s President, explains that “we changed our name in response to rising opposition in America to killing unborn babies, and to disguise our group’s agenda, which is to create public support for killing unborn babies.”

The entire group of declared Democrat presidential candidates issued the following joint statement in support of the group’s proposed change in terminology: “We support a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn baby. We also support a woman’s right to choose any name she wants to describe the act of killing her unborn baby.”

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posted by Unknown at 9:50 AM

DEMOCRATS FINALLY DEFINE “RICH”

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) and Senate Minority Leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) held a press conference today to announce the official Democratic Party definition of “rich”.

“I’m very disappointed that we had to take this step,” said Senator Daschle. “It should have been obvious to anyone with a third-grade education what we meant,” he added.

According to the now-official Democrat party definition, a person is rich if his income is “more than the income of the poorest person in America.”

“The Democratic Party’s position on this issue is clear,” said Congresswomen Pelosi. “As long as any American has more than the poorest American, there are too many rich people in America.”

When asked if his annual government salary of $155,000 qualified him as rich, Senator Daschle characterized the question as “a mean-spirited and vicious partisan personal attack.”

Presidential hopeful John Edwards (D-North Carolina) issued this statement: “Defining what we mean by ‘rich’ is one thing. Doing something about it is another. If the American people elect me as their champion, I will see to it that no one in America is rich.”

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posted by Unknown at 2:55 PM

CARVILLE MEMO URGES DEMOCRATS TO “START MAKING SENSE”

In his latest strategy memo to party big-wigs and elected officials, James Carville has urged Democrats to “start making sense.”

Considered by some to be Carville’s most pointed advice yet, he said “our party’s got way too many positions that are downright stupid. To folks who say we need to do a better job of getting our message out, I say we need to first develop a message that doesn’t make us all look like a bunch of damn idiots.”

The man known as the “Ragin’ Cajun” offered several examples: “We’re out there saying the death penalty doesn’t deter crime, then we turn around and say gun control laws will stop people from buying and using guns. We argue for a woman’s right to choose to kill her unborn baby, but argue against her right to choose a school for her baby if she lets it live. We say we shouldn’t spend money trying to defend America against missile attacks because it might not work, while we vote to increase funding for programs that have failed for 20 years in a row. It’s just one dumb thing after another. There’s not a lick of sense in any of it.”

Terry McAuliffe, Democrat party chairman, responded angrily to the Carville memo. He said “our policies make perfect sense if you’re smart enough, but many simple-minded members of the electorate find it hard to comprehend certain apparent inconsistencies and contradictions in liberal philosophy and policy.” He declined to elaborate.

Carville was unavailable for comment today. His wife, Republican strategist Mary Matalin, said he “would not respond” to rumors that she had actually written the memo and sent it out over Carville’s signature.

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posted by Unknown at 8:10 AM

POLL REVEALS DEMOCRATS DON’T BELIEVE IN “LIBERAL MEDIA BIAS”

A Skinner/CBS News poll released yesterday confirmed that an overwhelming majority of left-leaning Americans don’t think there is liberal bias in the American media.

A scientifically-selected random group of over 100,000 Americans who identify themselves as “Democrat” or “liberal” was polled last week, and 97% said there was “absolutely no liberal bias” in the mainstream American media while 1% said there was “a teeny tiny bit of liberal bias.” The remaining 2% “had no opinion” or “did not know.”

The poll also revealed that perceptions on the amount of liberal bias in the media are very strongly correlated with beliefs in other areas. Of those who say there is “absolutely no liberal bias” in the media, 96% also believe that “America’s moon landings were faked,” 94% also believe “the earth is flat,” and 98% also believe that “Bill Clinton is an honest man.”

The poll’s margin of error was plus or minus 2%.

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posted by Unknown at 8:50 AM

DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS DEMAND MORE SPENDING ON FRAUD AND WASTE

At a joint appearance in front of a “welfare rights” group in New York yesterday, Democrat presidential candidates were unanimous in their demands for more money for social programs. Their calls for increased spending came in response to a Government Accounting Office report that showed the federal government last year doled out $20 billion in health, housing, and food benefits to people not entitled to them.

Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) said “the only appropriate response to $20 billion of wasteful and fraudulent spending is to increase the budget by $20 billion, so the agencies involved can send the money where it should have gone in the first place.”

Governor Howard Dean (D-Vermont) echoed Kerry’s recommendation, saying “it’s not fair that Americans are being denied their rightful entitlement benefits because of mismanagement by the federal government. We must replace these wrongfully-spent dollars with more dollars that we can spend the right way.”

Congressman Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri) angrily denounced a proposal by Senate majority leader William Frist (R-Tennessee) to “eliminate waste and fraud, and return the money to the hard-working Americans who sent it to Washington in the first place.” Gephardt said the Frist proposal would “unfairly benefit tax-payers, particularly the richest Americans.”

Joining Gephardt in criticizing the Frist proposal was Senator John Edwards (D-North Carolina) who said it would “hold entitlement benefits hostage to Republican efforts to root out fraud, abuse, and error.”

Reverend Al Sharpton (D-New York) charged that “the dollars wasted by our government aren’t distributed equitably in our communities” and called for increased government waste so that “civil rights activists and self-styled community spokespersons can get their fair share.”

Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-Connecticut) got the loudest applause from the assembled welfare recipients when he called for “fraud and abuse indexing” of federal spending programs. Under his proposal, federal spending on social programs would increase each year by an amount equal to 110% of the amount of fraud and abuse uncovered in the previous year, plus an adjustment for inflation.

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posted by Unknown at 7:10 AM

DEMOCRATS UNVEIL NEW STRATEGY IN WAR ON BUSH JUDICIAL NOMINEES

Senate Democrats raised the stakes yesterday in their ongoing battle against President Bush’s judicial nominees. In a letter signed by Patrick Leahy (D-Vermont), the ranking minority member on the Senate Judiciary Committee, Democrats pledged to “filibuster all judicial nominations” until the President starts nominating judges who “share the views of the Democrat party.” Leahy also threatened “daily temper tantrums” until Bush starts picking “liberal judges with a track record of ignoring our Constitution.”

The Leahy letter said that “consistent with the Senate’s ‘advice and consent’ role, we hereby ‘advise’ the White House that we will withhold our ‘consent’ unless President Bush gives us exactly what we want. We won’t wash our hands before dinner, either. So there!” Senators Joseph Biden (D-Delaware), Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts), and John Edwards (D-North Carolina) co-signed the letter.

Biden, who has been hounded by charges of plagiarism and lying about his academic record, said the Democrat’s “you can’t make me” strategy would first be applied in an attempt to block President Bush’s nomination of Miguel Estrada to the U.S. Court of Appeals for the District of Columbia. Biden said he opposed Estrada because he “doesn’t think the way I want him to think, or the way white liberals want Hispanics to think.”

Estrada received a unanimous "well-qualified" rating from the American Bar Association. He is a graduate, with highest honors, of both Columbia College and the Harvard Law School.

“President Bush has a hidden agenda with the Estrada nomination,” charged John Edwards (D-North Carolina), the Senate’s premier ambulance chaser. “He’s setting up Estrada to be the first Hispanic Supreme Court Justice, but the Democrat party will not let that happen.” Noting that Republican Presidents nominated the first woman to the highest court of the land, and the first gay, Edwards pledged that “only Democrats will decide when the first member of our Hispanic constituency serves on that court. When that day comes, you can rest assured the judge we pick will have the judicial philosophy that we think a Hispanic judge should have. And until that day comes, I’m not taking out the garbage.”

At a press conference on the steps of the Supreme Court, Senator Kennedy, who is still the target of accusations that he was responsible for the death of a female assistant, said he would “hold his breath and not eat his vegetables” until Bush complied with Democrat demands. “I won’t clean up my room either,” he added.

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posted by Unknown at 6:31 AM

“HATE CRIMES” LAWS WOULD COVER “DISLIKE CRIMES” UNDER DEM PLAN

Representative Alcee Hastings (D-Florida) and Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware) today proposed toughening “hate crime” laws by making them also apply to “dislike crimes”. “There is still too much dislike in America,” said Congressman Hastings, an impeached federal judge. “Crimes motivated by dislike are particularly heinous because they are crimes against every disliked American. If we claim to be a civilized society, we must reserve special punishment for the perpetrators of these despicable acts,” he added.

Supporters of “hate crime” laws have noted that it is often impossible to prove in court that someone’s crime is motivated by hate, even when it is obvious to all concerned that the criminal dislikes his victim. Because of this “loophole,” they say, criminals who commit crimes motivated by dislike of their victims are punished no more severely than other criminals.

Senator Biden, who dropped out of the race for the 1988 Democratic nomination for President amid allegations of plagiarism and exaggeration of his academic record, echoed this concern: “If a man brutally murders someone he dislikes, it’s not fair that he should receive the same punishment as a man who brutally murders someone he liked or someone he never met before.”

Moderate Democrats criticized the “dislike crimes” bill. They argued it would always be very difficult to ascertain a perpetrator’s state of mind, raising the possibility that someone could be convicted of a “dislike crime” when they were actually only “mildly annoyed” with their victim or just “having a bad day.” They said they would propose an amendment to the bill establishing slightly less onerous punishment for “mild dislike” crimes.

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posted by Unknown at 8:01 AM

HUSSEIN MAY BE “GOING TO DISNEYLAND” IN EXILE DEAL

Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) and Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi (D-California) announced today that they have been brokering talks with Saddam Hussein on exile to the United States of America. In an initiative they call “Peace Through Friendship” a war with the Iraqi dictator would be avoided in exchange for “a generous package of relocation benefits and tax concessions.”

California and Massachusetts have apparently emerged as finalists in the race to land Hussein. Sources close to the “Butcher of Baghdad” say he is attracted to California’s theme parks, climate, and political culture, as well as Governor Gray Davis’ offer of a tenured position at the Berkeley campus of the University of California and a life-time seat on the San Francisco City Council. Kennedy, on the other hand, is touting his home state as “the best place for Saddam to relocate his weapons production business,” citing easy access to the nuclear and chemical engineering laboratories at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. The Massachusetts Senator has also extended his personal promise to introduce Hussein to “lots of hot chicks who party hearty.”

Hussein is also said to be considering a move to New Jersey, under a deal that would see him appointed to the United States Senate following the resignation of the aging Frank Lautenburg (D). Commenting on speculation that Hussein would use a New Jersey Senate seat as a possible springboard for a run at the Presidency in 2004, Democrat national party chairman Terry McAuliffe said “Hussein’s high name recognition and $20 billion campaign war chest would make him a formidable candidate” and that his positions on issues would have “lots of appeal” to mainstream Democrat voters. “He’s pretty much smack in the middle of this year’s crop of Democrat hopefuls,” he added. “I’d say he’s just left of Gephardt and a little to the right of Kerry.”

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posted by Unknown at 6:24 AM

KENNEDY TO STEP UP WAR ON REAGAN LEGACY

Apparently miffed by publicity surrounding former President Ronald Reagan’s 92nd birthday, Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Massachusetts) vowed to “step up” his “war on the legacy of Ronald Reagan.”

Noting unsuccessful Democrat attempts to rob President Reagan of credit for sparking the greatest American economic expansion of the 20th century and winning the cold war against the Soviet Union, Kennedy declared that recognition of Reagan as the oldest living former President “will not stand.” He added that failed Democrat efforts a few years ago to get President Reagan’s name removed from Washington’s airport “only strengthened our resolve to besmirch the legacy of Ronald Reagan.” He introduced legislation that would officially change the year of President Reagan’s birth from 1911 to 1931, thereby lowering the former President's current age by twenty years.

Kennedy added that “after this legislation is passed by both houses of Congress and signed by President Bush, I will lead the chorus of Democrat demands that President Reagan return to the government, with accumulated interest, his federal salary and pension benefits for the last twenty years.”

Asked for his comments, Senate minority leader Tom Daschle said “I’m very disappointed, and I’m very concerned. The American people don’t want to remember Ronald Reagan as their oldest living former President.” Daschle said he would call for a joint Congressional resolution stating that “John Adams was, is, and always will be the oldest living former President of the United States.”

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posted by Unknown at 9:14 AM

DEMOCRATS CALL FOR “ELVIS INSPECTORS” IN IRAQ

President Bush’s complaints yesterday about “stupid Socialist Saddam sympathizers” sparked demands from dumb Democrat dictator defenders that the United Nations send a new team of inspectors into Iraq.

The drama began at a Rose Garden photo opportunity when President Bush was overheard telling Vice President Dick Cheney that “the Democrats demanded we seek the approval of Congress, they demanded we build an international coalition, they demanded we make our case at the United Nations, and they demanded we find a ‘smoking gun.’ We did that, but they still say we’re rushing to war. I’m sick of all these stupid Socialist Saddam sympathizers.”

The Vice President was heard to respond that “next they’ll probably demand that the United Nations send inspectors to Iraq to disprove rumors that Elvis Presley is hiding in a secure underground facility there.”

Ninety minutes later, at a hastily-called news conference of Democratic congressional leaders, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) called for President Bush to “delay the rush to war until the United Nations sends inspectors to Iraq to disprove rumors that Elvis Presley is hiding in a secure underground facility there.”

In response to a reporter’s observation that the Democrats appeared to be asking the Bush administration to “prove a negative,” Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York) said “that’s the kind of mean-spirited partisan personal attack that proves that a vast right-wing conspiracy really controls the American media.”

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posted by Unknown at 7:38 AM

DEMOCRATS PAN BUSH “SUPER-SIZED” SAVINGS ACCOUNTS

Democrat criticism of President Bush’s plans for three “super-sized” tax-advantaged savings accounts intensified today. At a Washington news conference, members of the minority party in both houses of Congress charged that the President’s proposal “fails to address the ever-widening economic gulf separating hard-working Americans and non-working Americans.”

The Bush proposal calls for Retirement Savings Accounts, Lifetime Savings Accounts, and Employer Retirement Savings Accounts. All are designed to simplify the nation’s tax code and make it easier for Americans to save for a financially secure retirement. Every American would be eligible to open these accounts.

Democrats expressed outrage at President Bush’s dream of “a nation where every retiree is rich.” Congressman Charles Rangel (D-New York) complained that “this President just can’t seem to get it through his thick skull that since most poor people don’t work or save, they can’t retire. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that if you can’t retire you can’t open a retirement savings account.”

Rangel also attacked the Bush plan as part of a “right-wing plot to swell the ranks of the unretired” and called for a tax on the new tax-free Retirement Savings Accounts and Employer Retirement Savings Accounts. Revenues from the new tax would be used to fund contributions to Unretirement Savings Accounts and Nonemployer Unretirement Savings Accounts for the non-working poor.

Congressman John Conyers (D-Michigan) said he would take Rangel’s tax plan one step further. He vowed to propose a tax on Lifetime Savings Accounts established by working Americans to fund Lifetime Slacking Accounts for non-working Americans.

Supporters of the new accounts proposed by President Bush note they offer Americans an unprecedented opportunity to retire rich with minimal effort, taking advantage of the “magic” of tax-free compounding of interest. In remarks that were uncharacteristically understandable, Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said “these accounts offer a rate of return about three zillion times as good as Social Security, even if you assume the stock market and the bond market both go in the crapper and stay there forever.”

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posted by Unknown at 6:53 AM

LIEBERMAN DEMANDS INVESTMENT TAX CREDITS FOR THE POOR

After issuing a report today purporting to show that over 99.99% of investment tax credits flow to American entrepreneurs and businesses, Senator Joseph Lieberman (D-Connecticut) called for immediate expansion of government affirmative action programs to guarantee “equitable distribution of investment tax credits to all Americans.”

“Those at the upper rungs of the economic ladder enjoy a disproportionate share of the opportunities to invest in the capital goods, plant, and equipment needed to create jobs and spur economic growth. Poor people have been systematically denied this opportunity,” noted the former candidate for Vice President. He added that months of extensive research by his staff had failed to uncover even one example of a poor person in America building a steel mill, modernizing a warehouse, or retrofitting a power plant.

“This is just not fair. Giving investment tax credits only to those who invest is just as outrageous as giving tax cuts only to those who pay taxes,” said the Presidential hopeful.

Senator Lieberman delivered his remarks at a meeting of New York welfare recipients who are seeking government funding assistance for the formation of a business that will offer discounted Cheetos®, grape soda, and color television sets to New York welfare recipients.

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posted by Unknown at 7:19 AM

DASCHLE STILL CONCERNED AND DISAPPOINTED

Senator Thomas Daschle (D-South Dakota) today denied published reports that he had failed yesterday to state “I’m very concerned” or “I’m very disappointed.”

In a prepared statement, the Senate majority leader said “I’m very concerned that my disappointment has gone unnoticed. I’m very disappointed that my concern has been questioned. I’m very concerned. And I’m very disappointed in these mean-spirited partisan attacks.”

A senior aide to the former Senate majority leader said that Senator Daschle was every bit as concerned and disappointed yesterday as on every other day. The only difference, he explained, was that the Senator hadn’t expressed his concern or disappointment in front of television cameras. Speaking off the record, he blamed the Democratic National Committee press relations staff for failing to get any television cameras in front of Senator Daschle all day.

In related news, Daschle also denied charges that he had failed yesterday to tell the American people what the American people want. “The American people want to move on to more important issues. I’m very concerned and very disappointed, and the American people want to know that” he said.

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posted by Unknown at 7:54 AM

SHARPTON "DECLARES" "WAR” ON "RICH"

Calling the rich “the scourge of America,”, “Reverend” Al Sharpton (D-New York) today called for deporting the richest 1% of Americans every year until there are no rich people left in America. “Since the only thing Republicans worry about is cutting taxes for the richest 1%, this plan will shut them up forever,” he said.

“Without the distraction of the richest 1%, we can finally tackle the issues that matter most to working Americans: hiring more black head coaches in the National Football League and letting women join Augusta National Golf Club,” added the controversial presidential candidate.

Reaction to the plan was mixed. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-California) complained that it would take “five years or so to rid America of all the rich under the Sharpton 1%-a-year plan.” Other critics of the Sharpton plan said it would require the immediate deportation of the President of the United States. Supporters noted that all members of the U.S. Senate and House of Representatives would be expelled from our borders only one year later.

When asked to comment on the Sharpton plan, Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “I’m disappointed. The American people want a deportation plan that provides immediate stimulation of the American economy. Instead of long-term permanent deportation available only to the very richest among us, I will introduce a bill calling for an immediate deportation program targeting all rich working American families. By deporting all rich working Americans, we will create all the jobs that Americans need.”

In related news, Republicans accused Senator Daschle of trying to sneak a rule forbidding deportation of Washington-based female airline industry lobbyists and their spouses into a National Forest Service funding bill.

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posted by Unknown at 7:51 AM