KERRY RESPONDS TO SPANISH TERROR BOMBINGS

Democrat presidential nominee John Kerry lashed out today against the perpetrators of last week’s terrorist bombings in Spain. The attacks, which killed 200 people just three days before Spain’s presidential election, have been widely credited with changing the outcome of that election.

“We must not let unnamed foreign leaders change the course of electoral processes anywhere in the world,” said the former Massachusetts Lieutenant Governor during a campaign speech in Florida. “We must respond in the strongest possible way. I therefore call on the United Nations to begin debate on a resolution to form a special commission to study my Campaign Terrorism Reform proposal at the next meeting of the U. N. General Assembly.”

According to a Democrat spokesperson, the Kerry proposal submitted for U. N. consideration is modeled after the 2002 McCain-Feingold campaign finance reform act. It would outlaw all terrorist attacks 30 days before a primary election or 60 days before a general election. Violations would be punishable by substantial monetary penalties.

The junior Senator from Massachusetts said his Campaign Terrorism Reform proposal was “a model of the multilateral approach to problem-solving that will characterize a Kerry presidential administration. It’s time we send President Bush and his failed unilateral anti-terrorism policies back to Crawford, Texas.”

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posted by Unknown at 8:23 PM

KERRY CONTINUES ATTACK ON BUSH

Senator John Kerry (D-Massachusetts) called for “regime change in America” as he continued his criticism of President Bush’s handling of the war to liberate Iraq.

Kerry, who served as Massachusetts lieutenant governor under Michael Dukakis, made his remark at a campaign funding stop. Like his former boss, Kerry hopes to win the Democrat party’s presidential nomination. “What we need now is not just a regime change in Saddam Hussein and Iraq, but we need a regime change in the United States,” said Kerry. He said that only a new president can repair the damage done by President Bush’s unilateral action. “He acted unilaterally, and in opposition to the majority of the world.”

Following his speech, Kerry rushed back to the Senate floor to help a minority of senators block a vote on the confirmation of Miguel Estrada to the D.C. Circuit Court of Appeals. Asked if this action also constituted “unilateral action in opposition to the majority of the country,” a Kerry aide said the Senator “has worn the uniform, served his country, and seen combat.”

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posted by Unknown at 7:08 PM

DEMOCRAT SENATORS CRITICIZE BUSH WAR EFFORT

Two prominent Democrat Senators criticized President Bush’s handling of the war with Iraq today. One said we gave up on diplomacy too early, and the other said the war is lasting too long.

Presidential candidate John Kerry (D-Massachusetts), speaking at a fund-raising event, criticized President Bush’s diplomatic efforts. “I have stated repeatedly that President Bush should have let diplomacy run its course. Instead he alienated our good friends in France and rushed into war.”

Meanwhile, Carl Levin (D-Michigan), ranking minority member on the Senate Armed Services Committee, expressed frustration that the war to liberate Iraq has lasted too long. He made the charge at a briefing with Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, according to a Senate staff member who attended the closed-door meeting.

Asked to comment on the charges made by Kerry and Levin, Vice President Dick Cheney chuckled “one says 12 years of diplomacy is too short, and the other says 12 days of war is too long. I guess that speaks for itself, big time.”

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posted by Unknown at 6:52 PM

RACE PREFERENCES RALLY DRAWS DEMOCRAT PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFULS

Three Democrat presidential candidates spoke out today in favor of racial preferences in college admissions. John Kerry (D-Massachusetts), Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri), and Al Sharpton (D-New York) made their comments at a rally in front of the Supreme Court. Inside the court building, the nine Supreme Court justices were listening to arguments for and against the use of racial preferences at the University of Michigan. The university uses a point system in its admission process, and it award extra points to students from certain minority groups.

Senator Kerry, in what his aides said is his strongest statement yet on the issue, said “with American troops fighting on foreign soil, now is not the time to object to the use of racial preferences. Can’t we all just get along?”

Congressman Gephardt told the crowd of several dozen protestors “I have a rich friend who told me that he doesn’t want a tax cut. He wants us to keep his tax cut, and use it instead to help our colleges and universities give students from the right minority groups extra points for the color of their skin.”

Sharpton, the self-styled Reverend from New York City, received the loudest applause for his remarks. “Supporters of school vouchers are trying to ruin our public school system by giving parents the right to choose which schools their children attend. Those same people oppose giving minority students points for the color of their skin, which is just another kind of voucher.”

After their appearance, the three presidential hopefuls shared a cab across town to another rally where they all spoke out in opposition to racial profiling by police and airport security personnel.

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posted by Unknown at 9:32 AM

DEMOCRATS STOP ASKING ABOUT COST OF WAR

Seven days have elapsed since a Democrat member of Congress has asked how much the war with Saddam Hussein will cost.

Republicans, pundits, and the press are all at a loss to explain why Democrats have apparently stopped objecting to the cost of liberating Iraq and protecting Americans against terrorism sponsored by Saddam Hussein.

Speaking off the record, a senior Republican congressional staffer noted that Democrats never ask about the cost of policies they support. “But that can’t explain their silence,” he added, “since most Democrats are on the record as opposing President Bush’s efforts to depose a brutal dictator and enhance America’s national security even though polls show that over 75% of Americans support the President. There must be something else going on here, but nobody I’ve talked to has a clue what it could be.”

“I can’t figure it out. Maybe Democrats think voters will figure out we could pay for the war, and a whole lot more, if Democrats hadn’t blocked drilling for oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Reserve,” suggested Newt Gingrich (R-Georgia), former House Majority Leader and now Senior Fellow at the American Enterprise Institute. “Maybe they’re worried that Americans will start asking why Democrats would rather have us buy oil from Saddam Hussein than produce it domestically.”

In response to a question at a White House press briefing, Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer said “we’re all at a loss to explain it. Our best guess, and this is just speculation, is that Democrats have realized that the war will be paid for with tax dollars, and that Republicans pay 90% of all taxes. Maybe they figure that a long and expensive war will cost taxpayers so much that they won’t be able to fund campaign contributions to Republicans in the next election cycle. But again, that’s just speculation.”

Former Senator Fred Thompson (R-Tennessee) offered the simplest theory, saying “I think they’re acting under orders from Barbra Streisand.”

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posted by Unknown at 7:20 AM

DEMOCRAT STRATEGY EXPOSED

Democrats reacted angrily today after a party strategy guide titled “How To Deal With The Truth” fell into the hands of Republicans and the press.

The strategy guide, according to its introduction, is “designed to help Democrat candidates and elected officials deal with use of the truth from opposition Republicans.” The guide is co-authored by former President Bill Clinton, Democrat party chairman Terry McAuliffe, and Democrat strategist James Carville. It has apparently been in widespread use by Democrats since the 1992 elections.

According to the guide, “the truth is the strongest weapon in the Republican arsenal, and Democrats need to be especially well-prepared to deal with it. If Democrats cannot effectively counter the truth, we will surely lose our status as a major political party.” The authors suggest Democrats employ a four-part strategy when confronted with the truth. The recommended strategy involves labeling the truth “a mean-spirited partisan attack,” demanding “an end to the politics of personal destruction,” calling for “tough new laws,” and questioning the opposition’s motives.

The guide offers several examples of how to use the strategy, including the following: “For example, when you get caught lying you can say ‘my opponent’s disclosure of my lies is a vicious mean-spirited personal attack. It is time we end the politics of personal destruction. We need tough new laws to prevent public officials from lying. My opponent is only accusing me of lying to cover up his own lies.’”

When questioned about the guide, Senate majority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said “I’m saddened and disappointed that Republicans have resorted to this mean-spirited partisan attack. We need to end the politics of personal destruction right now. I will propose tomorrow a tough new law to punish politicians who distract the American people from the truth. Republicans have only brought up the Democrat strategy for dealing with the truth so they can deflect attention from their unfair use of the truth as a political weapon.”

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posted by Unknown at 8:15 PM

JESSE JACKSON IS STILL ALIVE

Jesse Jackson set a new personal record today, by not appearing on television or in a major newspaper for the 30th consecutive day.

The previous record for consecutive days without an appearance by Jackson on a major media outlet was 29 days. That record was set over 20 years, shortly after Jackson proclaimed himself a “Reverend” and began his very lucrative career as a race-baiter and extortionist.

“I am still here,” said Jackson, “and when the war news slows down, the American people will hear more about my ongoing efforts to get more head coaches in the National Football League and to let women join Augusta National Golf Club.”

According to an aide, Jackson was apparently confident last week that his announcement that he has not had plastic surgery on his face would provide him with a media platform, and was “crushed” when no major outlet picked up the story. In another desperate attempt for media attention, Jackson is also considering announcing that he has become a homosexual.

Informed sources say Jackson will announce tomorrow that he has offered his services as “spiritual advisor” to Asan Akbar, the Army Sergeant who is accused of killing two American servicemen and injuring a dozen others by rolling hand grenades into their tents in Iraq. Jackson last served as spiritual advisor to Bill Clinton during his sex, lies, and impeachment scandals, shortly after it was revealed that Jackson had fathered a child out of wedlock and filed fraudulent tax returns.

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posted by Unknown at 7:24 PM

PELOSI SAYS REPUBLICANS “OUT OF TOUCH”

House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California) yesterday accused the Republican party of being “out of touch with the concerns of average Americans.”

In a speech to a mostly-empty House chamber, Pelosi charged that “the Republican party is dominated by fringe elements who push ‘wacky’ positions on main-stream issues.” She cited tax cuts, school choice, and the liberation of Iraq as examples.

“I’m saddened, concerned, and disappointed that Republicans have lost touch with ‘the American street’ and have abandoned the political mainstream,” added Pelosi.

In related news, the House of Representatives voted yesterday to condemn a federal appeals court’s ruling that reciting the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools is unconstitutional because of its reference to God. The nonbinding resolution passed 400-7 with 15 members voting ‘present.’ The 7 who voted against the resolution were all Democrats: Robert Scott of Virginia, Jim McDermott of Washington, Pete Stark and Mike Honda of California, Jerrold Nadler and Gary Ackerman of New York, and Barney Frank of Massachusetts.

In other related news, only 11 House members voted against a resolution “expressing the support and appreciation of the nation for the president and the members of the armed forces who are participating in Operation Iraqi Freedom.” All 11 were Democrats: Robert Scott of Virginia, Jim McDermott of Washington, Pete Stark, Mike Honda, Maxine Waters, Barbara Lee, and Diane Watson of California, Charles Rangel and Edolphus Towns of New York, John Conyers of Michigan, and Tubbs Jones of Ohio.

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posted by Unknown at 1:31 PM

HUSSEIN RENAMES HIS REPUBLICAN GUARD

In what may be one of his last official acts as ruler of Iraq, Saddam Hussein has renamed his Republican Guard. Acknowledged to be the most loyal and highly trained unit in the Iraqi armed forces, the Republican Guard has long been responsible for the personal safety of Hussein and his family.

In announcing his intention to change their name, the Butcher of Baghdad said “the swords of the holy sons of Iraq will stain the sky and earth and water with the blood of the jackal Bush and his minions. As we advance to our glorious victory we honor our truest friends by giving their name to our strongest weapon against the imperialist forces of America. Henceforth the Republican Guard will be known as the French Democrat Guard.”

Hussein also announced that he would rename the Special Republican Guard. This fiercest and most bloodthirsty unit of the Guard has often used by Hussein to torture and kill family members of his closest associates. Hussein said they would now be called the Daschle Democrat Guard.

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posted by Unknown at 6:32 AM

DEMOCRATS REACT TO IRAQ’S USE OF SCUD MISSILES

Minutes after Saddam Hussein fired Scud missiles at U.S. troops, Senators Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) and Robert Byrd (D-West Virginia) blamed President Bush for Iraq’s use of weapons it wasn’t supposed to have and said it didn’t have. Daschle and Byrd have staked out positions as the Democrat party’s strongest opponents to liberating the Iraqi people from the savage butchery of Saddam Hussein.

The Iraqi Scud missiles were fired toward U.S. Marine units positioned in Kuwait. Iraq was forbidden, under the terms of several United Nations resolutions, from possessing Scud missiles and it has repeatedly denied possessing them.

Byrd, the Senate’s oldest former Ku Klux Klan member, said “Mr. Hussein wouldn’t have fired those weapons if we hadn’t attacked him. We wouldn’t have known he had them if he hadn’t fired them. And we shouldn’t have attacked him until we knew he had them. I weep when I think this is all America’s fault.”

Daschle said he was “saddened and disappointed” that President Bush didn’t let the U.N. inspection process go on longer. “If we’d allowed the inspectors a little more time, I’m sure they would have found evidence that Saddam Hussein had destroyed the Scud missiles he said he didn’t have. Instead, President Bush’s arrogant unilateralist foreign policy caused him to use those missiles. I’m sure Mr. Hussein wouldn’t have fired those missiles if France was with us.”

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posted by Unknown at 9:58 AM

CARVILLE SAYS FOCUS ON BIGGEST THREATS TO AMERICA

In a confidential strategy memo, Democrat consultant James Carville has advised Democrat Congressional leaders and Presidential candidates to “focus on the biggest threats to America while President Bush is focused on Iraq.”

“We have an unprecedented opportunity to advance our domestic agenda while the President’s attention is overseas,” said Carville. “Let’s not blow it.”

The Carville memo, obtained from a confidential source, says, “While President Bush is busy trying to disarm a foreign government, Democrats should continue their efforts to disarm American citizens by pushing for more gun control laws. While President Bush is trying to give Iraqi citizens the right to choose their government, we should continue trying to deny American citizens the right to choose their children’s schools.”

Democrats need not worry about pushing their domestic agenda while American troops are engaged abroad, according to Carville. In fact, his memo states, Democrats should feel free to follow the lead of Senator Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) and attack President Bush during war time. “Democrats can and should continue to oppose the war while pushing our domestic agenda,” advised Carville. “While we protest President Bush’s effort to kill Saddam Hussein, we should continue our efforts to kill unborn babies.”

Also included in Carville’s list of “the biggest threats to America” are lower tax rates, cheap Alaska oil, and missile defense systems.

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posted by Unknown at 1:15 PM

DASCHLE DEMANDS DISARMAMENT

A day after he criticized President Bush’s diplomatic efforts, Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) introduced a disarmament resolution in the United States Senate.

“We need disarmament, not war,” said Daschle. “There is only one reason we are on the brink of war. The United States is about to wage war on Iraq because the administration couldn’t create an international coalition to wage war on Iraq.”

The Daschle resolution, titled “United Senate Resolution 1441,” calls for “serious consequences” if President Bush doesn’t “immediately disarm the armed forces of the United States.” It calls for a team of United Nations inspectors to verify disarmament. Any “material breach” would be met by “serious consequences.”

When asked what “serious consequences” might entail, Daschle said, “we don’t want to tip our hand, but you I can assure you that our consequences will be really serious. I’ll be convening a broad-based bipartisan international coalition to work out a time-table and the details of an inspection regime. And to show how serious we are, we’ve asked our friends in France for their assistance.”

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posted by Unknown at 3:21 PM

DEMOCRATS PUSH “AMERICANS WITH INABILITIES ACT”

Flushed with the success of the Americans With Disabilities Act, congressional Democrats have introduced legislation they call the Americans With Inabilities Act.

The law would prohibit discrimination in employment, housing, education, and access to government benefits based on inability. In announcing the legislation, House minority leader Nancy Pelosi (D-California), said “Americans with inabilities face countless obstacles every day in every facet of life. Those with the inability to stop overeating, for example, are not only ostracized because of their physical appearance, but face job discrimination and suffer an unfair number of health problems.”

Senator Hillary Clinton (D-New York), a co-sponsor of the bill, declared, “Americans with inabilities need the full protection of the law. It’s not fair, for example, that high-paying engineering jobs are denied to people who have an inability to understand sophisticated scientific concepts. The Americans With Inabilities Act will guarantee the mathematically inabled among us fair access to career paths that have been beyond their reach.”

“People with an inability to balance their checkbooks pay an unfair share of bank overcharge fees in America,” charged Richard Gephardt (D-Missouri). “Those who are unlucky enough to have an inability to read and write are denied access to elite colleges and universities. It’s time to stop punishing inabled Americans.”

Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) said, “I’m disappointed with the Bush administration’s response to the Americans With Inabilities Act. Their insistence that people with an inability to stay sober be disqualified from jobs as truck drivers and airline pilots is mean-spirited petty partisan politics. That’s not what the American people want.”

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posted by Unknown at 8:50 AM

DASCHLE ANNOUNCES “HOMELAND DISAPPOINTMENT ADVISORY SYSTEM”

Senate minority leader Tom Daschle (D-South Dakota) today announced a new system to make it easier for Americans to monitor and respond to changes in his level of disappointment.

Modeled after the Homeland Security Advisory System, the new Homeland Disappointment Advisory System is designed to alert Americans to the level of Daschle’s level of disappointment and to suggest protective measures appropriate to each level.

Daschle’s disappointment level will both be measured several times daily. Results will be announced each morning at approximately 8:00 Eastern Standard Time, and will be updated every hour. Significant changes in Daschle’s disappointment level will be announced immediately.

In announcing the new system, Daschle said “the world has changed since the congressional elections of 2002. We remain a nation at risk to serious attacks of disappointment and will remain at risk for the foreseeable future. At all Disappointment Conditions, we must remain vigilant, prepared, and ready to respond to attacks of disappointment.”

The Homeland Disappointment Advisory System features five color-coded Disappointment Conditions, ranging from Low (Green) to Severe (Red). In response to a question about his current level of disappointment, Daschle said, “my disappointment level today is Yellow, which is an Elevated Condition.”

Under the new system, several Protective Measures are appropriate for the Yellow level, in addition to the Protective Measures taken under the Green and Blue levels, including increasing surveillance of critical locations, coordinating emergency plans with nearby jurisdictions, assessing whether the precise characteristics of the threat require the further refinement of preplanned Protective Measures, and implementing contingency and emergency response plans.

A spokesperson for Daschle noted that the system is still being refined, saying that “in times like these, knowing that Senator Daschle is disappointed is not enough. We are working on a system that helps predict disappointment attacks before they happen so government officials can react more quickly and effectively to protect the American people.”

Also under development, according to the spokesperson, is a system for monitoring and responding to changes in Daschle’s level of concern.

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posted by Unknown at 8:16 AM